Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
