I want to walk on stilts...naked
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize