My nipple is on Facebook.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
