Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
