my phone needs a breathalizer
I just found puke in my bra..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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