Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
