I wanna bring you to show and tell
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
