Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
