Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
