i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
50% drunk capacity currently
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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