omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
