Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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