I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In other news, I just burned my penis
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize