Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
