youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
