my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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