Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
