I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
