just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
