I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
