im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize