apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
