If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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