The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
