my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
