omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
