you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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