there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
