john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
