Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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