I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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