he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
