she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize