walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
