i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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