She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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