But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
