oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
