I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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