I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
