Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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