But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
