Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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