Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
