I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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