I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
