Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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