kristin has been a bad kristin
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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