I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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