Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
