You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
