I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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