does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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