using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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