she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
