hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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