I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
